My Soul Hath Elbow Room!

I love Charlie Higson.

This is because the man terrifies the shit out of me. I mean, Steven Moffat does things that I understand are scary in theory but don't feel in practice (the exception being The Empty Child), Kelley Armstrong occasionally freaks me out and the last chapter of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is forever etched in my memory, but for pure untainted disgusting, gory horror, the kind that gets into my bones and has me utterly gripped even as I squirm, and then cracks a joke and makes me laugh, it's Higson every time. In the first three books of this series, he's had his erstwhile protagonist:

• Immersed in a tank of hungry eels


• Nearly turned into an eel-human mutant... thing


• Tied to a stake in the middle of a jungle and eaten alive by mosquitoes


• Waterboarded with high-proof liquor, resulting in alcohol poisoning

To say nothing of the various disturbing deaths of side characters and the fucking running joke in Double or Die where one of the mooks keeps losing body parts in unlikely Bond-related circumstances, counting down to his final death.

And these are just his YA novels. Were I to add in Randall and Hopkirk (deceased), I could also mention beheading, incurable measles, umbrella-through-the-chest, David Tennant in a bloodstained wedding dress wielding a chainsaw... oh, and a ghost clearing a room by farting.

( The Mayans used to talk of a cursed treasure called hurricane gold, which if you held on to it would bring ruin to you and your family... )

Dear Chester:

I know you're excited about all the wondrous things you've suddenly started noticing about your world, and you're eager to tell me all about them, not to mention the legal system, the government and that elusive religion. I think it's great that you're finally mature enough to be able to tell me whether your world uses steam or not, whether you have electricity or not, and where you live (although, seriously, the rent on that mousehole's a bit high, isn't it?). I'm even more pleased that you've got your opening scene all plotted out, and that you've even managed to slide a couple of Chekhov's Guns in there, nice and early.

But, Chester, when I sat down yesterday and said, "Right, worldbuilding time!" ...Sweetie, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the Fifth Doctor, and Nyssa, and Nerys and Police Guy and Dead Witness #2. This is because, Chester, the deadline for that contest is next Monday, and at this moment in time I need their worldbuild much, much more than I need yours. Hell, two of them don't even have names yet, the third is randomly Welsh, and most importantly, I can't refine their plot until I know how their planet works.

I will get back to you, I promise. I love your story and I love your world, even more so with all the new stuff you keep telling me about. But please, for the next few days, stop bugging me. Take a leaf out of Tranan's book: nobody's seen him since the competition started, not even Unam or Talla. Go and travel your world, see the sights, and bring me back photos, because I will be fascinated.

Just not right now.

Love,
Your friendly neighbourhood author.

So apparently, the 830th most popular girl's name in the US in 1921 was Concepcion (page 39).

Oh, character naming days, you never cease to amuse me.

(This tag is incorrect. The novel's working title is now The Memories of Chester Snitterfield.)


ETA: And the 599th most common male name was Gaylord. Oh deary deary me...

Seems that Being Human has decided what it's going to be at last: a supernatural soap, perhaps with occasional gore.

I like it. Here's hoping it can keep this new streak of genre-definition up.

• Characters A and B are male and gay, and red herrings*. I guess I could make them female and gay?


• Character C is secretly manipulating everyone and must therefore be male, because if he were to become female that would be even more of a feminism fail than I'm already creating with this story.


• Character D, the protagonist, is male and also fundamentally manipulative, with a tendency towards passive-aggression and running away from his problems. See comments on Character C.


• Character E is female and evil.


• Character F is female and has no personality or function except Protagonist Support. Frankly, I don't know where she came from and she'll probably be written out.


• Character G was female, but had no function that could not be amalgamated into Character E and make a better story. To make matters worse, I'm considering having Character C stuff her into the fridge early on, to show how much he changes once he gets his old memories back.

Jesus Christ. I had so many female characters in Saril that I had to forcibly remind myself to make new ones male to even it out (OH HAI THAR ETHELBERT!), and this one looks set to go the other way entirely.

Looks like the gay guys may have to become lesbians. Because seriously, as much as writing it with them all male wouldn't bother me? I would not read this novel.


*I have an urge to make Juliusa a literal red herring now. Not sure what his her true form being a red herring says about his her personality, but the idea is kind of funny from a meta point of view.

/\/\/\

How do I love Sheldon? Let me count the ways...

No, no, not that one.

I keep trying to work out how to get this into a review of the 2009 Christmas trilogy without driving it off-course, and I can't; but I feel a need to document it somewhere, because it's important (to me, at least). Therefore, here, have one giant meta wank with a bit of TMI thrown in.

( On why the Doctor's asexuality matters so much to me. )

Now hopefully I can write the damn review without getting my wank mixed up with a more objective discussion of the trilogy.

(In happier news, massive props to Big Finish for once again handling the same issue with tact and intelligence. The 'And you have a son... how did you manage that?' exchange in An Earthly Child made my day.)

Say it with me one last time, folks:

What? What? WHAT?

( Great big stinking SPOILERS. Also CAPITAL LETTERS. )

Review later this week, when I am less overexcited.

It's been a fun-filled weekend: Avatar on Friday, Team Stealth Rockery on Saturday, and Christmas (#1) on Sunday...

So. Avatar.

( Just relax and let your mind go blank. That shouldn't be too hard for you.  )

Pretty film? Hell yes. Good film? Hell no. You can't just rely on graphics and worldbuilding to carry a tropefest of a plot, and they certainly cannot help you to avoid racism and ablism.

Getting Creatures to install on Ubuntu has never exactly been easy, and as I recently discovered while trying to get Norns onto my newly-rebuilt laptop, Karmic has worsened the experience.

Also, the only article on Google which worked for me last time has disappeared, and I'm very glad I remembered vaguely what it said and was able to extrapolate.

So. No readily available information and a whole heap of problems... somebody ought to collate this stuff.

( Here's how I finally got CIE working on my two Karmic installs. )

As S03 winds down and Sarah-Jane tells me about the power of Friendship and humankind's ultimate destiny of a vast intergalactic empire based on Truth, Justice and Certainly Not Imperialism, it occurs to me that I have learned many invaluable lessons from The Sarah Jane Adventures. Here are a few:

1. All aliens are bad.


2. Except the ones that aren't (O HAI THAR DOKTOR!). But these are very rare and probably out to get you in a more subtle way.


3. If it looks human then it might be okay, but people who look different to us are Always Chaotic Evil.


4. Discriminating against an alien on the basis of skin colour is Bad, but it is perfectly acceptable to do so on the basis of species (see 1 and 3).


5. Humankind will one day be at the head of a vast intergalactic empire subjugating millions of alien races, but that's Good, because Humans are Good and Things That Look Non-Human are Bad.


6. Friendship is important.


7. Except with aliens, because they're probably just trying to trick you into helping them take over the world.


8. Beware of aliens bearing gifts, unless they are doing so off-screen in which case they are giving you a plot device that will likely save your life one day.


9. Only one supercomputer per household.


10. Never kill a Slitheen in an enclosed space.


11. You pay, you display.


12. Horoscopes don't work, except they sort of do, but not when Luke's around.


13. The Mona Lisa came from Lancaster.


14. Under no circumstances is it right to use a robot dog to cheat at your test, but you might want to take him to school with you anyway because he'll probably come in handy for saving the world.


15. Sarah-Jane Smith is the only person on the planet capable of stopping alien attacks.


16. 2059 is when it all kicks off, baby. (Okay, so Doctor Who has a part to play in this one as well.)

Can you tell that the constant comments of 'Well, maybe one day we'll meet a nice alien' have been getting on my nerves this series?

I still want to know why nobody thought to call in U.N.I.T., too.