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charameiTitle: I Know
Summary: Regan is her usual neurotic self.
Rating: PG-13.
Pairing: Regan/Meredith
Genre: Oneshot, Angst
Disclaimer: Okay, so the end line is from Star Wars. I'm afraid I couldn't resist.
It's not lying, that's the thing. Sometimes she thinks it would be so easy, to just lie. Some days, she wakes up and she's going to tell him – some nights, she vows to lie to him next chance she gets.
The truth, oh, she knows that telling him the truth is just a vain fantasy. There is far too much at stake to allow that kind of weakness, always has been. But to lie, to say I don't love you, to put his mind at rest after keeping him in limbo after all these long, long years...
...it's not as if it would break his heart, or anything. She knows, though she hates to admit it, that he convinced himself years ago that she doesn't love him – and who can blame him, when she's been so careful, for so long, never to let the tiniest hint slip? For his own safety, of course. If anyone ever found out -
Some days, she wants to lie, but those are never the days when he asks her. He asks her so rarely, now, yet it almost seems as if the question is more present than ever. It's in everything he does, everything he says. It's every morning when they wake up and she's cuddled up to him in the night, because it's cold and she's asleep and can't help herself. It's every evening when she checks his sword for the tiniest flaw, because Meredith's spellwork is hopeless and the last thing any Knight wants is an error-ridden sword. It's every battle, every reminiscence, hell, some days it's every time their eyes meet.
It's changed, now. It used to be do you, can you, will you ever, but now it's do you, then it's you brought me here and I thought maybe, it's why were you crying when I found you, then, if not that?
It used to be okay, Anya's got it wrong, now it's you know, Anya's hardly ever wrong.
It sickens and it scares her, because despite her best efforts, he seems to be developing hope again, and if that happens then, when nothing happens, he'll get bitter and she'll have to keep ignoring him, and he'll get bitterer and then something will happen, like it did before, and she can't bear to lose him again, because she does love him, however much she hates herself for it...
If she lies, she knows, she can stop that from happening, but then there is no going back, because he hates being lied to. Some days, that doesn't seem so bad, but what if they get through this? What if, one day, there are no more wars and no more enemies, and no one to object? What if, one day, she is finally able to tell the truth?
"I love you," he says, and there's that same old crooked smile under those quirked eyebrows, and he's totally easy with it. It's just a statement of fact, like you have black hair or I'm rather tall, and he doesn't even really expect and answer, but the question is there, like it's always there, on the off-chance that one day she changes her mind and starts finding him attractive, like she did years ago -
She could lie. She should lie, put him out of his misery, settle this once and for all. It's been nearly twenty years now, and she knows all too well that leaving the possibility open is a recipe for disaster. It's happened before.
She takes a breath, pulls a smile from somewhere deep, deep down, and...
...and, she can't do it. She just can't, she starts to lie and it's as if her whole soul clenches and freezes up, it's like being paralysed and palsied at the same time -
She says, "I know."
And the question remains, hanging, as it always has, and she hates herself more than ever, but she feels elated, too, because One Day, One Day, she will be able to tell him.
Summary: Regan is her usual neurotic self.
Rating: PG-13.
Pairing: Regan/Meredith
Genre: Oneshot, Angst
Disclaimer: Okay, so the end line is from Star Wars. I'm afraid I couldn't resist.
It's not lying, that's the thing. Sometimes she thinks it would be so easy, to just lie. Some days, she wakes up and she's going to tell him – some nights, she vows to lie to him next chance she gets.
The truth, oh, she knows that telling him the truth is just a vain fantasy. There is far too much at stake to allow that kind of weakness, always has been. But to lie, to say I don't love you, to put his mind at rest after keeping him in limbo after all these long, long years...
...it's not as if it would break his heart, or anything. She knows, though she hates to admit it, that he convinced himself years ago that she doesn't love him – and who can blame him, when she's been so careful, for so long, never to let the tiniest hint slip? For his own safety, of course. If anyone ever found out -
Some days, she wants to lie, but those are never the days when he asks her. He asks her so rarely, now, yet it almost seems as if the question is more present than ever. It's in everything he does, everything he says. It's every morning when they wake up and she's cuddled up to him in the night, because it's cold and she's asleep and can't help herself. It's every evening when she checks his sword for the tiniest flaw, because Meredith's spellwork is hopeless and the last thing any Knight wants is an error-ridden sword. It's every battle, every reminiscence, hell, some days it's every time their eyes meet.
It's changed, now. It used to be do you, can you, will you ever, but now it's do you, then it's you brought me here and I thought maybe, it's why were you crying when I found you, then, if not that?
It used to be okay, Anya's got it wrong, now it's you know, Anya's hardly ever wrong.
It sickens and it scares her, because despite her best efforts, he seems to be developing hope again, and if that happens then, when nothing happens, he'll get bitter and she'll have to keep ignoring him, and he'll get bitterer and then something will happen, like it did before, and she can't bear to lose him again, because she does love him, however much she hates herself for it...
If she lies, she knows, she can stop that from happening, but then there is no going back, because he hates being lied to. Some days, that doesn't seem so bad, but what if they get through this? What if, one day, there are no more wars and no more enemies, and no one to object? What if, one day, she is finally able to tell the truth?
"I love you," he says, and there's that same old crooked smile under those quirked eyebrows, and he's totally easy with it. It's just a statement of fact, like you have black hair or I'm rather tall, and he doesn't even really expect and answer, but the question is there, like it's always there, on the off-chance that one day she changes her mind and starts finding him attractive, like she did years ago -
She could lie. She should lie, put him out of his misery, settle this once and for all. It's been nearly twenty years now, and she knows all too well that leaving the possibility open is a recipe for disaster. It's happened before.
She takes a breath, pulls a smile from somewhere deep, deep down, and...
...and, she can't do it. She just can't, she starts to lie and it's as if her whole soul clenches and freezes up, it's like being paralysed and palsied at the same time -
She says, "I know."
And the question remains, hanging, as it always has, and she hates herself more than ever, but she feels elated, too, because One Day, One Day, she will be able to tell him.